All day, I've been thinking on and off about a situation that happened at church this morning. This video kind of brought some things to light to me tonight.
I was getting ready to leave church this morning, and apparently a gentleman had wandered in off the street in search of some food. Another staff person had spoken to him and wasn't sure what exactly to tell him, so they approached me to see what I thought. My first thought was maybe I'd get him a donut or something from our cafe area. The line had to be 30 people deep.
I fought back thoughts of "This isn't my problem. I've got groceries to get. I haven't eaten yet today. I want to get home." Then I remember our church was hosting an event for people new to the church where we offer them free pizza as they get the chance to meet some of our staff and learn more about the church. So I suggested to our staff person that they could mention to the gentleman he could have some pizza if he sat through the session.
As I drove away from the church I felt ashamed. I wanted to drive back to the church, just walk in and grab a few slices of pizza, and sit down with the man. But I didn't. I wanted to find him and take him somewhere else for some food, and just spend time with him. But I didn't.
Deep down, honestly, I didn't want to be bothered with other people's problems. I didn't want to be inconvenienced with his situation. I didn't want to deal with helping the staff person figuring this out. I didn't want to deal with anyone.
I had my own issues going on, and I wanted to wallow in self-pity without having to focus on someone else for once. And then I felt shame. Deep shame. I almost felt Jesus' heart sink just a little.
I call myself a Christian, and serve on the staff of a church. I claim to love people, and care about the poor. I talk the talk, but don't walk the walk.
I'm a hypocrite. Holy Spirit, please give me another chance. Please forgive me. Help me to be better. Help me to care.