Counseling

there comes a time for everything.  we all need help from time to time, and are fools if we don't seek out that help.  i once read in a leadership book, a story about a pastor of a megachurch in las vegas.  he was venting to his mentor, and his mentor basically told him to lead himself.  in other words, no one knows quite like you what you need in the moment.  so, don't feel bad taking a vacation day, ESPECIALLY if you need it.  in my case, leading myself means getting some good counseling for awhile.

as a pastor at my church, we are required to go through a series of psych tests and evaluations, mainly geared towards helping us grow and improve upon some areas.  it also does point out some causes for concern.  in my case, nothing of concern came up, but the counselor did feel it would be beneficial to do some counseling sessions.  the more i thought about it, the more i felt it was the right decision to make.

so, that's the reason i'm sharing it publicly.  the temptation is to not follow through.  you know how it works.  the moment you make the choice to do this, you think you feel a little better, and then all of a sudden you've talked yourself out of it.  so, i need to find out if it's covered under my insurance, and then schedule that first appointment.  sooner than later.

so, i'd appreciate your prayers.  part of the reasoning for this post, and the last one dealing with depression, is an attempt on my part to get some of those feelings out.  not just hold them inside.  but get them out.  it's much easier to do this writing than speaking them out for me.  i also want people to know the real me, not just what i portray.  many times, that's only half of what's really going on inside my brain.

Depression

it's come back.  it happens every so often, but most of the time lingers for a few hours at most.  i'm able to work my way through it relatively quickly and then move on.  but saturday night, it hit like a ton of bricks, and i haven't really recovered yet.

yeah, i can put on a happy face.  i'm a pastor.  i can't exactly show up to church sunday all woe is me.  don't get me wrong.  i'm a HUGE proponent of pastors being real, allowing their people to see their struggles.  we are not superhuman.  we are just like the rest of the world.  we have our struggles.  we have our issues.

so, maybe that's what i'm doing this morning.  letting the 2 or 3 that read this know, that pastors struggle too.  much of my depression seems to come as spiritual warfare type stuff.  but i can tell you that right now, there are lots of people in my world that are hurting for a variety of reasons.  i'm a highly empathetic individual, and feel the weight of all their hurting and pain.  add that to my own, and my guard has been let down, thus allowing a chink in my armor.

now, lots of people who don't deal with depression like to say, "just get over it" or "work it off".  i like it when people suggest "go something that makes you happy".  in that position, nothing seems to make one happy.  that's the struggle.  depression is so debilitating in that it keeps you from even wanting to leave your bed, or the couch.  you come down with a "that's not worth it" mentality towards the fun things you once enjoyed.

honestly, one of the few things that helps me begin to take some of that ground back, is to listen to worship music.  but i've tried something a little different that last few times an "attack" has come over me.  instead of listening to the song, and singing it directly to the Father, i pretend he's singing it to me.  there are some hillsong united songs that really get me.  this morning, third day's "You Are My Everything" was just what i needed.

you see, so many times, when i'm feeling like a lesser version of myself, feeling down, feeling depressed, i don't need to be reminded of my love for jesus.  i need to hear from him how he views me. actually hearing these words spoken through worship songs has proven to be a powerful method for me to accept his truth about me, that i am fiercely loved by him.  that jesus is absolutely crazy about me.

this is true you know.  true about you.  Jesus fiercely loves you with reckless abandon.  He is absolutely crazy about you!  this blows my mind, but it's true!  quiet yourself, and ask him what he thinks about you.  i'll bet, the first thought, the very first thought in your mind will be something confirming that.  give it a try!  and then back it up with scripture.  Jesus will bring you life, and nothing else.  anything you hear that doesn't bring life, but brings condemnation, depression, guilt, shame, etc is not from jesus.    does he convict us of sin?  absolutely.  but why?  only to bring us back on track.  he wants us walking in the fully restored relationship that he offers.  he's out for our full healing, and nothing less.

my friends, i'll remind you of the very things i'm reminding myself of this morning.  jesus loves you.  he really does.  you bring him great joy.  just the way you are.  exactly the way you are.  this has cracked the fog of depression in my own life today.  i pray it does the same for you.

Journaling-My Private Domain

i'm about to do something that i have rarely done before.  i'm going to give you a glimpse into my journal.  i don't reveal this to many.  actually, i'm not sure if i've ever let someone read my journals.  it's not that there's anything in there that i'm hiding.  it's just a place that's between me and God.

however, last week, i wrote some thoughts that rocked me to the core, in a good way.  it's been on my mind ever since, to the point where i felt i should share it with whoever wanted to read.  it may not be earth shattering to you, but it was quite moving to me.

before, i would have said i knew these things.  but after writing these words, it became a heart-felt knowledge deep within.

"I listened to one song in my car on the way into work this morning before turning it off.  One short line went, "Emmanuel.  God with us."  And that has been in my mind ever since.  God with us.  What an amazing truth to live in today.  What a revelation it would be to fully grasp this Father!  To completely understand what it means that you are with me!  That's powerful!  I felt strongly after that, the need for some Prayer House or Crying Room time today.  Just some time alone, away with my Abba.  I should leave my cell phone in my office too, and just bring my Bible and maybe some paper.  This afternoon would be wonderful for that.  I want communion with you today God!  Will you come and join me?  'Thad, if you make time for me, I will always show up for you!  I love you my son.  You are not the only one that looks back fondly on times at Batty's cabin, times camping, times you were trail running, when you ran Comrades.  I LOVED THOSE MOMENTS TOO!'  Wow, I'm shocked right now!  I never imagined God thinking as highly of those moments as I do.  Really God?  Those were some highlights for you?  'YES'.  Whoa.  I want to tell the whole world about this!  Looking forward to some more time with you later today Father.  'ME TOO'.  Hmmmmmm.  Thanks for putting a smile on my face today."

before you dismiss this, and say "Yeah Thad, I already knew that", do me a favor.  ask God what his favorite moments with you have been.  seriously, ask him.  and then wait for his response.  i'll bet a time will come to mind, his way of showing you the times with you that mean the most to him.  give it a try.  you may be shocked at what he shows you.

Comparison Battle

i've actually been wanting to write this post for some time now.  but every time i sit down to write, something else entirely comes out, and i choose to just go with that.

however, this morning, i came across a post by Mike Foster on Donald Miller's storylineblog.com that spoke many of the thoughts i've been thinking on this topic.  i may share more of my thoughts in a later post, but for now, Mike's insight will suffice.  check out this short read by clicking below.

http://storylineblog.com/2013/04/16/when-you-feel-behind/

"enjoy your story wherever it is."  this is a portion of a sentence towards the end.  this is really speaking to me this morning.  what part of this post spoke loudest to you?

One Of The Baddest Videos I've Ever Seen!

this is by far, one of the most powerful 3 minute videos i've ever seen.  makes me want to go out and run an ultra right now!  what do you think of it?

Jesus Came After Me

jesus has been after my heart as of late.  i've spent the last day or so noticing jesus calling to my heart in so many different places.  in my car, i was moved to turn off the music and just enjoy the silence.  i've spent times reading when i normally would have turned on the tv.  at small group last night, this phrase came after me with reckless abandon

"jesus is absolutely crazy about me"

it was a powerful revelation.  one that i've had before, but desperately needed to be heard again.  and then this morning, such an intimate time was shared with jesus.  he brought passage after passage of scripture to my heart.  so i journaled them, and then allowed him to just speak to my heart.  i invited him into the inner most, deepest parts of my soul.  and he came.  he spoke powerfully, deeply, carefully, and truthfully.  he challenged me, but set my heart at ease at the same time.

wow.  powerful encounters.  jesus is so amazing.  do you have these types of encounters with him?  i know i don't have them near enough.  but it's my own fault because i typically don't allow my time or attention to experience this.  

thank you jesus for meeting with me today.  such an amazing way to kick off the week.  i love you jesus.

My Wife, the Warrior Princess

emily is her name.  and she's amazing.

i've been meaning to write this post for about a week now.  but life gets in the way, you know how it goes.  life, such an amazing thing when kept in the right perspective.  and yet, it so easily jumps outside of that box.  hmmmmmm, i'm already off topic.

my wife.  on march 22 of this year we celebrated our 10 year anniversary.  10 years.  wow.  in some ways, it seems like just yesterday that we were standing in that church, that we were on our honeymoon, that we were buying our first house.  and yet, in others, those 2 people 10 years ago seem like toddlers who barely knew anything about life.  well, really that was only me.  so much has happened since then.

loss of jobs.  miscarriages.  but then there's the good............new jobs.  god's provision.  2 beautiful daughters.  trip to africa.  many trips every year to michigan.  this short list hardly encompasses everything.

so, emily planned our little celebration of 10 years of marriage together.  this shocked me, and part of me felt bad that she was planning it all.  i did drop roses off to her at work that morning.  that made me feel a little better.  but then, i began to relax as we drove away from her office that night.  everything was kept a secret from me.  i fought hard to not ask, because when there is a surprise i love nothing more than to figure it out.  typically, as is probably the case with many of you, i struggle with allowing others to do things for me.

i tried to force myself to relax as we began driving.  i knew not where we were headed.  eventually we landed in bloomington, illinois, at an eastland suites.  it was a nice hotel, with a separate living room with a little kitchenette and fireplace.  we sat for about an hour, and then a limo came and brought us to a wonderful little steakhouse.  now, emily is not much of a meat eater.  so she planned dinner with me in mind.  wow!  this was hard for me, but i got over it when i began reading the menu.

i finally decided on prime rib.  we enjoyed dinner.  we enjoyed conversation and laughter.  wish i had a picture of the picture hanging behind us at dinner (honey you can be glad i don't have one because i surely would post it here :))

after dinner we headed back to our hotel room to                                    relax.

the next morning came the big shocker.  she had planned for us to go to upper limits, an indoor climbing gym!  this had been a dream of mine for years, and i just had never gotten around to giving it a try.

we took a 2 hour class, and then attempted climbing on our own for a little under 2 hours.  we certainly didn't get close to climbing to the top of the easiest route, but we had a blast, and will definitely be back.  we partook of krispy kreme a few times (if you don't know about this place, i feel sorry for you), had chipotle for lunch, and did some shopping.

now, fellas, i know.  many of you are thinking that you have awesome wives.  and many of you do.  but, i can honestly say, none of them compare to my emily.  i've got one word for her, and it doesn't apply to any other women on the planet..........AWESEROUS!

seriously, emily, i had one of the best weekends of my life with you that weekend.  thank you so much, for planning something fun, with me in mind.  the fact that i got to do it with you made it that much better.  it was certainly one of the highlights of our marriage, when so much focus and attention goes to the girls, or jobs, or the house, or any number of other things.  thank you emily, for taking the time and energy to focus on me.  i love you babe!