Open Heart Surgery

so, for the better part of a week now, i've felt...................off.

some have noticed; some have not.  i've hidden it from some, not so much from others.

depression is a strange thing.  this is not depression.

i feel, used up.  it's not a bad thing; it's been by good things.  but somewhere along the way, i've not figured out how to recharge.  usually, i recharge best by being in nature, by just having a break.  but this has been hard to come by.  life is so insanely friggin busy.  

i.  don't.  do.  busy.  very.  well.

so, i'm struggling today.  i'm a pastor.  and i'm struggling.

people say, "give it to God."  i have.

others say, "focus on others."  i have.

i don't need "christianese-type" answers.  

honestly, i don't know what i need.  yesterday seemed to be better, but today, things are worse again.  

so, i write in the hopes that are others out there, who are struggling.  know that you are not alone.  people that don't struggle with this won't understand.  that's ok.  i don't need you to understand.  just need patience and love.

so, holy spirit, i invite you to do some open heart surgery today.  take a good, clean look at me, repair what needs it, and close me back up.  have your way.  do what needs to be done.  fix me up and get me back out there.

i'm thankful for a surgeon with the care and concern this world knows little about.  i'm thankful for a surgeon that has intimate knowledge of me, know what to do and when to do it.  he knows what to tweak, and what to leave alone.  thank you holy spirit for your pruning, molding, shaping.  

teach me, how to love others better.  teach me, how to live more fully in your truth.  love me.  care for me.  deeply.  thank you for doing so.  thank you for never leaving or forsaking.  thank you, for your tenderness.  for your mercy and grace.  for your infinite wisdom.  for your goodness.